Starting to Freak Out

I've got less than 7 weeks before I'm due to give birth. And I have to admit - I'm totally freaked out.

I had my first "Non Stress Test" yesterday - I have to have two each week because my pregnancy is high risk. Apparently around this time (34 ish weeks) the baby can sometimes spontaneous die and they don't really know why.

WTH!?

So twice a week I have to schlep to the doctor's office and get strapped in to these monitors that track the baby's heart rate for 30 minutes.

I still have no idea which doctor will actually do my delivery...I talked to the OB doc yesterday and explained my utter anxiety about having one of them do it. I'm sure she didn't appreciate it, but I don't care. I'm not comfortable with NOT knowing which of the 4 OB docs will do my delivery, especially since I've only met two of them...each one time. My family practice doctor was with me the first seven months and I'd rather stay with her.

The OB doc did say that she would talk to her supervisor to see what they could do. So I can only pray that they will value my sanity above their procedures.

I can feel my emotions boiling just under the surface. I've been so mellow this whole pregnancy - much to my surprise and delight - but I can tell that the hormones are really starting their steep incline. The birthing class instructor told us that at 7 months the hormones really ratchet almost straight up compared to the first 7 months. I felt like crying over nothing yesterday. Two days before that I was high as a kite (not literally...just emotionally).

I'm sure that most of it is the pregnancy hormones, but I worry that some of it is the Bipolar. I've been very non-suicidal the whole time but those thoughts still flit through my brain every now and again...and totally freak me out at times.

Above all, I'm tired of being pregnant. I'm ready to meet my boy and hold him. I'm not ready for sleepless nights but at least I'll be able to get out of bed without this watermelon in my belly. Any movement is a huge challenge for me right now.

Nobody tells you these things before you get pregnant.