Thursday, February 4, 2010

I Think I'm A Bad Mom

Not trying to have a pity party or say oh woah is me or anything but I've really been questioning my motherly instincts lately.

Please don't misunderstand, I adore my son. He is so cute and his smile warms my heart.

But I don't always want to be with him. I don't always feel like entertaining him. I don't even want to always hold him. I'm often relieved to drop him off at daycare and wondering how I could get weekend care! What the hell?!?! I'm supposed to be raising this little guy to be a good person and eat his veggies and I want to pawn him off on a sitter.

How in the world do you entertain a 4 month old? They have the attention span of a gnat. He's got a little Jeep walker and that will occupy him for ... a nanosecond before he starts fussing. The other night I didn't even get to finish eating dinner before he was wailing.

My favorite time? When he's finally asleep! I'm the luckiest mom in the world to have a baby who has been sleeping through the night since before 3 months of age. I get bummed when he ONLY sleeps 8 or 9 hours in a row.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Why can't I think of things to do with my son that don't involve sitting glassy eyed in front of the computer on Facebook? When he was 2 months old he just sort of sat there in my arms with few complaints, and often would fall asleep. Now that he's 4 months old he doesn't just sit nicely while mommy studies or plays her games. He gets pissed!

How in the world do parents of multiple kids handle it?

Somehow my husband managed to make pancakes on Monday morning, while I was sleeping (I was sick all last weekend and Monday...and still am actually) and he was watching the boy. PANCAKES!?!?!

I can't even heat up a bowl of soup.

I keep telling hubby that he's clearly a better parent than I am because he seems to be able to get a lot of stuff done even when he's in charge of the crumb cruncher. I, on the other hand, feel completely paralyzed and trapped ... unable to even go to the bathroom without five minutes of thinking about how to do it without a screaming baby as the result.

Does it get better? Do I just not have the mothering instinct? Maybe I'm just too selfish. I get bored trying to keep him entertained. I want to go make jewelry or study or heaven forbid do laundry!

I have been saying that I do not want him to watch TV until he's at least 2 years old, and even then keep it limited. But on Sunday I found myself rolling his Jeep in front of the TV so I could get a couple of things done.

I am a horrible mother!

P.S. No actual alcohol was consumed in the creation of this photo! I'm not THAT bad!


Vivacious Jewel said...

You are NOT a horrible mother! You are NORMAL! Caroline is 6 months old and I LOVE having other people watch her so I get some peace and some SLEEP! Sometimes, DH and I even argue over whose turn it is to give her a bottle, change her, etc.

Do I love my daughter? Of COURSE I do! But even when people are grown-ups, we can't be around them for hours at a time without longing for some "ME" time.

Do bad mothers ever worry that they are bad mothers? I don't think so.

You're normal. And your son will grow up to love you and appreciate you (no matter what he says in his teenage years)!

pamibe said...

Please don't think for one moment that you're a bad mom!! You are a NORMAL mother!

Do you love your son? Yes. Would you fight to the death for him? Yes. Day to day life is something totally different. Babies are boring, whiny little creatures and they've mucked up more marriages than can be counted.

He'll be loads more fun when he's walking and talking and pooping on his own, I guarantee you... but for now he's like a screaming parasite. Four month olds are put into a swing and pretty much laughed at... or on one of those block mats surrounded by 100 toys. What else is there to do with one?

Oldest Daughter and SIL have a live in sitter in Mike's mom. She even cooks and cleans! Yet they're still at wit's end over the three kids... and I don't blame them.

Having kids is a trial by fire. What you have to remember, always, is to take care of yourself first. Because if you get run down or sick, who will care for your child?

You're doing it right, girl. Don't give up!

CastoCreations said...

Thank you ladies. =) I told hubby that I wrote about feeling like a bad mom and he looked at me like I had three heads. lol I do adore the little guy...but I feel SO guilty when I get frustrated because I want to do something other than keep him from crying. *sigh*

I've said it before and I'll say it again (and again) being a mom is HARD!!!!!!!

Anna said...

Meg you rock, don't worry so much! Being a mom is hard and in some ways it gets easier as they get older and in other ways, it's much more difficult. But each phase has a plus! Right now, he doesn't talk back! :)

Here's a's OK to let him cry! I know you don't want him unhappy or have him cry, but you can't hold him every second and he'll learn that he's OK being in his crib or play pen or in the bouncy seat for a bit without mom or dad hovering over him.

CastoCreations said...

Thanks, Anna. :) It's so freaking hard and I'm totally stressing out about tonight and this weekend when hubby starts working nights and I'll be "in charge" 24 hours a day!

Anna said...

You can do it Meg! We have faith in you and your mothering skills! You know you can always vent to us because we understand!