Not trying to have a pity party or say oh woah is me or anything but I've really been questioning my motherly instincts lately.
Please don't misunderstand, I adore my son. He is so cute and his smile warms my heart.
But I don't always want to be with him. I don't always feel like entertaining him. I don't even want to always hold him. I'm often relieved to drop him off at daycare and wondering how I could get weekend care! What the hell?!?! I'm supposed to be raising this little guy to be a good person and eat his veggies and I want to pawn him off on a sitter.
How in the world do you entertain a 4 month old? They have the attention span of a gnat. He's got a little Jeep walker and that will occupy him for ... a nanosecond before he starts fussing. The other night I didn't even get to finish eating dinner before he was wailing.
My favorite time? When he's finally asleep! I'm the luckiest mom in the world to have a baby who has been sleeping through the night since before 3 months of age. I get bummed when he ONLY sleeps 8 or 9 hours in a row.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Why can't I think of things to do with my son that don't involve sitting glassy eyed in front of the computer on Facebook? When he was 2 months old he just sort of sat there in my arms with few complaints, and often would fall asleep. Now that he's 4 months old he doesn't just sit nicely while mommy studies or plays her games. He gets pissed!
How in the world do parents of multiple kids handle it?
Somehow my husband managed to make pancakes on Monday morning, while I was sleeping (I was sick all last weekend and Monday...and still am actually) and he was watching the boy. PANCAKES!?!?!
I can't even heat up a bowl of soup.
I keep telling hubby that he's clearly a better parent than I am because he seems to be able to get a lot of stuff done even when he's in charge of the crumb cruncher. I, on the other hand, feel completely paralyzed and trapped ... unable to even go to the bathroom without five minutes of thinking about how to do it without a screaming baby as the result.
Does it get better? Do I just not have the mothering instinct? Maybe I'm just too selfish. I get bored trying to keep him entertained. I want to go make jewelry or study or heaven forbid do laundry!
I have been saying that I do not want him to watch TV until he's at least 2 years old, and even then keep it limited. But on Sunday I found myself rolling his Jeep in front of the TV so I could get a couple of things done.
I am a horrible mother!